The talk
by Catch 23
Summary: A clichéd concept with a fresh twist – this time it’s not Mokuba that asks poor Seto the awkward question.


**The talk**

Summary: A clichéd concept with a fresh twist – this time it's not Mokuba that asks poor Seto the awkward question.

Warning: Well…they talk about sex. Nothing explicit, but the sex is there, never the less. Also swearing. And the abuse of ellipsis.

Author's notes: God knows where this came from.

Disclaimer: Not my characters. Deal with it.

It was 3:00 in the morning, and, in the town of Domino, everyone who was not a vampire or an insomniac was asleep.

Kaiba Seto (probably not a vampire, but definitely an insomniac) was, unsurprisingly, very much awake. He was in his lab, working away at something no doubt very important, though, as I am not a programmer/computer geek type, I'm damned if I know what.

Meanwhile, behind him, in a dark and cobwebby corner, a screen flickered into life.

"Hello, brother." The synthesized voice was cold and devoid of emotion.

"I'm not your brother. Now shut up." Eerily, Kaiba's voice sounded just as empty as that of the computer.

"Don't be so mean, Seto." Computers can't whine, but this one made a damned good attempt. "I just want to talk."

"Well I don't want to listen. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm busy."

"But -"

"Do you want me to unplug you, Noah?"

"No…"

"Then SHUT UP!"

The threat did its job, and the computer went silent, apparently cowed for the moment.

Kaiba sighed and turned back to his work.

After the infamous virtual world incident, Mokuba's prediction had been proven true; Noah had indeed had a backup file containing his personality hidden within the KaibaCorp computer system. Kaiba had been all for deleting it, but his brother's puppy-dog eyes™ had won out and he'd ended up uploading him onto an old computer, one he'd made damn sure wasn't networked to anything. The little bastard had already caused enough damage.

After fifteen minutes, Noah apparently decided that enough time had passed for his stepbrother to calm down.

"Seriously, Seto, this is really important."

"I. Don't. Care." Kaiba snarled, through clenched teeth. "When I installed you on that machine, it was with the understanding that you would not annoy, communicate with or even look at me. Now are you going to be quiet, or do I have to -"

"Iwanttotalkaboutsex" The computer blurted out. The statement had the desired effect. Kaiba froze. Then slowly turned round to face him.

"You want to talk about _what_…?"

If computers could blush, this one would have been red as a beetroot. Well, actually it wouldn't, cause beetroots aren't red. They're kinda purple.

"WellyouseenooneevertoldmeanythingaboutitandthenIdiedandIgotstuckinthevirtualworldandIdontgetitandIdonthaveanyoneelsetotalktoandIwaskindahopingyouwouldexplainittomeplease," he babbled.

Kaiba didn't even try to work out what had just been said. He realised he had two options; ignore the question and chuck the computer out of the window, or allow himself to be drawn into this…whatever this was. Morbid curiosity got the better of him.

"Didn't you have Health Ed at school…?"

"I was home schooled." It figured.

"So…Gozoburo never…said anything…?"

"Can you really imagine him explaining it?" Kaiba tried. And conceded.

"True. But…you're a computer. You had internet access…"

"So?"

"Ninety percent of the net is porn. You must have seen…stuff"

"What's porn?"

"…Never mind…what do you already know…?"

"Well…its how babies are made…"

"And…?" Kaiba prompted.

"That's about it…"

How was it possible to lead such a sheltered existence…? How was it possible to not be bombarded with disturbing pictures when searching for something as innocent as an article on deforestation? (As part of a homework project. It had been almost five minutes before he'd worked out just what the people in that particular picture were doing, and another five hours before he shook off the feeling that he should wash his own eyes out with sulphuric acid.)

He hadn't had this trouble with Mokuba. He'd just left a note and some explanatory pamphlets in his safe, knowing full well that his younger brother went through all the confidential documents he kept there on a regular basis. Mokuba had avoided eye contact for the next few days, but that was only to be expected.

"Are you going to tell me or not?" Noah's petulant voice curtailed his chain of thought.

Kaiba sighed. "What specifically did you want to know?"

"Everything."

Kaiba sighed again. "Fine. But it's not pretty…"

_Fifteen minutes later_

"…And that's about it. Any questions?"

"…"

Kaiba grinned. Warping children's minds was fun, and it looked like he'd finally managed to shut the little bastard up.

"That's disgusting!"…or not

"What do you care anyway? You're just a computer program. It's not like you're ever actually going to get laid or anything."

"That was cruel."

"Sorry," Kaiba smirked, not sounding sorry at all.

"So…have you ever…?"

"Yes."

"Really…?"

"Yes."

"How many times…?"

"I don't know. I'm not sad enough to keep count."

"…What was it like…?"

"You know, considering how much I hate you, I'm not really comfortable discussing my sex life with you."

"…Sorry."

"Can I get on with my work now?"

"Sure…"

Kaiba turned away.

"…Thanks brother…" The computer whispered.

And for once, Kaiba didn't correct him.

The End


End file.
